That I would be good

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That I would be good.

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There has to be a change!

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Let me start off by saying that I’m in no way, shape , or form a writer!  I don’t think I’ve actually written anything of substance since I was in college and that’s most likely due to the fact that I haven’t felt much of anything since college and even I had any kind of feelings I probably didn’t know if that’s really what I was feeling.  I heard someone say the other day that all they wanted was to have the life they had before addiction destroyed it and that statement really made me look at my own life.  It scared me when I realized that my life before addiction and my life clean really isn’t that much different.  I still feel like the exact same miserable person that I was when I was using or doing something destructive to numb away my pain.  I never remember being that carefree little girl that could just run outside and play without a care in the world or be in a group of friends and feel OK with myself or in my own skin. Truth is that I have always felt some kind of disconnect between my personality and my physical body even as a little kid.  I remember feeling so ashamed of who I was and uncomfortable inside of myself for a long as I can remember.  Always feeling less than and not wanted and that my parents didn’t love me as much as they loved my brother and sister.  I tried to verbalize it to them more times than I can count and was told that it wasn’t true and that it was in my head and I believed it and stopped expressing it.  I stopped expressing any kind of emotion or feeling or need that I had to anyone and became this “good” little girl that I knew that my parents wanted. My dad was an angry man, he never laid a hand on me or abused me but he was just angry and resentful toward life but masked it with being extremely religious and spiritual ” and forced me to believe what he did because that was the “only truth”  I was basically born and raised in the church and told what I did and didn’t believe and wasn’t allowed to question the Bible or anything I was taught.  I didn’t know that I had a choice to believe it or not because I was told that I didn’t. My life was a list of rules and regulations and I came to realize that my own personal needs and wants really didn’t matter because I was too young to know what I needed so they told me.                      I don’t think I have ever made one decision in my life that I made because it’s what I wanted.  I have lived my life making my life decisions based on what someone else thinks or wants.  If it’s going to make someone else happy than I’m going to do it because it gives me worth knowing that I was able to make someone else happy.  The thing with that is that I have completely neglected my needs and desires for so long that I no longer know what my wants and desires are.  The music that I like is the music that you like, the way that I act all depends on the people that I’m around, and my opinion is the same as yours because I really don’t have an opinion about anything.  I can’t believe that I’m just now seeing that this is how I’ve been living my life.  How did I not see it?  To everyone else I seem to be very strong in my convictions and have an opinion about everything but It’s all a lie, everything about me is a lie.  If it does seem to people that I have a strong opinion its because somewhere along the line I picked it up from someone else and made it my own.  Truthfully, I have no clue what I even enjoy or like to do because I have had no mind of my own,EVER!

I’m sitting here at my computer writing this and I feel like im a 5 year old girl trapped in a 35 year old body and it scares the shit out of me.  I have spent my entire life chasing this dream, agonizing over it, killing myself for it and in the end it never made me happy but I made myself believe that its what I wanted and that if I achieved it than my life would be perfect.  It was a show.  Everything has always been about gaining approval from others in some way or another.  Whether its from a sport, my body, or something I achieved.  I needed to show everyone how amazing I was in order to be able to live with myself but it finally caught up with me.  No matter what I did or how I looked or performed there was always this emptiness in me, this void that I could never fill.  I see know that I can never truly be happy with myself or in a relationship because everything about me really isn’t me.  It’s this false person that Ive created and it’s not who I was created to be which would account for my unhappiness with everything all the time.  I’ve never had a functional relationship with anything my entire life.  Not with myself, a man, a sport, a friend, or anything.  I become so obsessive and attached to a person or an idea that I will literally do anything I can to keep them from leaving me even if my actions push them away.  I would do anything in order to not feel like they abandoned me like everyone else in my life has but that was all in my head as well.